Survival guide 101
by UnderTheSkiesDontLie
Summary: Living with Cybertronians is not as easy as it seems! Read this guide before you finally decide to live with any Cybertronian!
1. Chapter 1

Chapter one

Ratchet made me write this, since *cough* he secretly loves me *cough*.

-Random growling in the background- haha just kidding! I was told to write this for the new comers and also because I have broken few rules and I know that even if I write these ones, I still won't follow them! So suck on that!

Let's begin, shall we!

Rule #1: The word 'Ratchet', shall not be used as a description whatsoever! here are some examples:

-I look ratchet today

-ew, *insert name here* looks so ratchet!

At first, the medical officer thought it was a compliment until one day he asked me what it meant.

"It means that you look ugly or bummy." Let's just say that he didn't take that very good. I mean, I wouldn't either.

"I'm not ugly!" he stormed out, "You're not beautiful either!" I shouted back at him.

I was sent to the brig.

Rule #2: Hand Car Wash Vs. Automatic Car Wash

Every owner has their own preferable preferences. And by owners, I mean humans. But when it comes to Cybertronians, they ALL want hand car wash. You know how hard that is? Especially when they use me since I have 'small hands.'

Hound: You have those good hands, Ela. *smirks*

Me: Hound…

Hound: small…soft…squishy.

Me: stop it!

Hound: oh yeah, baby. Right down there, that's the spot!

Optimus: *DEATH GLARES*

Me: Okay, I'm done here.

Rule #3: Never EVER get the boss bot HIGH! EVER!

Epps was curious to how Optimus would react to weed. Let's just say that he's really touchy, more than the usual.

Optimus: What is life?

Optimus: My mouth feels so dry

Optimus: I demand more Energon!

Optimus: Is that a cupcake?

Optimus: Humans are so tiny, so cute!

Optimus: why are flowers falling? Oh Primus, I'm so lifted. I want to fly, lets go fly!

He wouldn't shut up, he was rambling about nonsense. The fact that he was in holoform and right next to me, let's just say that things got a little bit…sexual.

I never complained(;

Rule #4: Never call Bumblebee an insect, he won't react or respond to it very well.

Me: Hey, Insect!

Bumblebee: *no response*

Shane: Hey, bug! Can I get a lift?

Bumblebee: you can walk your human legs to your destination.

Crosshair: Creature

Bumblebee: *smacks the back of said 'bot head*

Rule #5: When you are going out of base, always inform you assigned guardian and soul mate.

Tessa and I went to the mall, which was about an hour away from the base. We didn't let anyone know, it was just a last minute thing.

Let's just say that when we got back, some things were turned outside down. Shane came hurriedly to Tess. I was tackled to the ground by Bumblebee as he scanned me and pulled on my face to see if it was the 'real' me.

"Why didn't you tell me where you go? Did you tell Optimus? Do you know that he's out looking for you? why didn't you answer any of our phone calls? Why aren't you responding to me?!" he was talking 100 miles per minute. I had to push him off from me, which was a fail.

Optimus didn't speak to me that night, Ratchet passed a new rule about leaving base. From now on we have to sign a release form and approved by him, Optimus and our assigned guardian or whoever is chaperoning us.

Tessa: that's utterly bullshit!

Cade: Tessa, we need to know where you are all at all times.

Tessa: I'm 18 dad!

Cade: exactly!

Rule #6: Never under any circumstance, leave Joshua and Wheeljack in the same lab room!

They are bad news! they tend to explode just about everything! I asked for a prototype skateboard and I got what I wanted and what I deserved.

On my way back to base, my skateboard exploded. I knew I shouldn't trust them!

Also, I got the habit to call them Pinky and Brains. Guess who is who? ^_-

Rule #7: No meditating with Drift

He has no patience, he is worse than Ironhide!

Me: Sensaaaa

Drift: Sensai.

Me: Sseennssaa

Drift: Sensai!

me: banana.

Rule #8: "Megatron is my baby daddy!"

Optimus was quiet unhappy.

I got our child confused.

"Mommy, does that mean that you're sending me away to live with that old Megafart?"

*from across the building, Optimus Yells* "NO! SKYLAR, I AM YOUR FATHER!"

Rule #9: Take fears seriously.

I am afraid of heights. Drift seems to enjoy that, especially on the day he pushed me off the cliff.

"Face your fears, Adelaide."

"Yes, sensaaaaaa." just like that, he pushes me off the cliff because I didn't say sendai correctly.

assbutt.

Rule #10: DO NOT ASK ME TO READ YOUR HAND!

Joshua: Gipsy, come read my hand.

Me: I'M NOT A FORTUNE TELLER!

Joshua: But, you can see and predict the future.

Me: I AM NOT A FORTUNE TELLER!

Joshua: but you can see the future, just by touching someone's hand?

Me: It doesn't work that way, Joshua.

Joshua: *sticks hand out* Come on, try.

Me: Goddammit Joshua!

xx

I hope you guys like it! I know it's suckish, but I promise that it gets better!


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Rule #11: Nicki Minaj is banded from base!

Me: My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns hun! *slaps Optimus metallic round butt*

Skylar: I beez in the trap, beez, beez in the trap *squishes a bee infront of Bumblebee as he slowly walks away*

Tessa: *sings while Ratchet passes* Pills and potion, we're overdosing, I'm angry but I still love you *Ratchet abruptly stops* Pills and potion, we're over dosing, can't stand it but I still love you *aggressively grab her and takes her to the med bay.*

Lucas: Starships were meant to fly *hound listens attentively at the weird human man* hands up and touch the sky *said human throws hands up very dramatically* can't stop 'cause we're so high, let's do this one more time! yeah! *Hound blast the stereo to pieces*

Rule #12: This kind of applies to number 11 but only one song is banded from Iggy Azaela thanks to Bumblebee and Sideswipe, well, mostly Sideswipe.

Sideswipe: I'm so fancy!

Everyone: SHUT THE FRAG UP!

Rule #13: Never let the convertible twins baby sit your child!

Optimus and I had to go out of town for few days…for patrolling of course…

We came back and found our daughter in blue.

Skylar: Look mommy, Daddy! I'm an Avatar!

Me: TWINS! *Random thud in the background and screeching tires*

Rule #14: When a girl is having a bad day, do not, I repeat, DO NOT say the following:

-Are you pmsign? (Shane)

-Dude, are you on your period? (Lucas!)

-Just eat chocolate to calm down. (Sunstreaker)

-You want the D? (SIDESWIPE)

Rule #15: My child is smarter than yours.

I'm being serious. Tessa and Shane thought I was joking until my girl beat their son, and I mean it educational wise. Lets just say that they had it coming when their 5 year old son couldn't pronounce a simple word.

Skylar: Bumblebee

Johnny: Bababee

His feedbacks were: aww, how cute.

Rule #16: No quoting New Girl!

Me: Officer, can I read you your rights? You have the right to remain hugged. And the right to remain sweet (When Barricade held me hostage)

Lucas: Do you just walk around all day thinking about other people's feelings? How do you get anything done? (Lucas questioning Chromia when she was on her days, his response was a punch in his balls)

Lucas (Again): If pot were a piano, Cade would be a 9 year-old Chinese girl. (Never in my life had I seen Ironhide laugh so hard. Ever.)

(Cade, just like anyone else, punched him in the balls)

Skylar: Hubba, hubba, mamma in trubba (Skylar sweetie, I'll get you a chocolate if you keep that beautiful mouth of yours shut.)

Tessa: Where did all that hair come from? (she asked as Shane finally let his beard and mustache grow)

Rule #17: 'No shave November' is only allowed for men!

Ladies, it's very unattractive to see your arm pits hair! It's even more unattractive when your man complains about your private areas not being 'soft and smooth' *shudders*

Don't get me started with the unibrows!

Rule #18: Do not use your child as a scapegoat!

Me: Optimus, did you grab my journal?

Optimus: *soft thud and low 'ow'* Skylar, why on Earth did you grab your mother's journal?

Skylar: *looks at him with wide eye*

Me: *Crosses my arms across my chest and glares at the Leader*

Rule #19: Do not make a Doctor appointments outside of base.

Ratchet gets rather sensitive about it. I wanted to go to see a gynecologist, I had a personal question about something. When he found out, he avoided me at all cost. When I went to see him, he said "Why don't you go see that Doctor that you betrayed me to?"

"Ratchet are you jealous?" he just grunted and ignored my dying cries for help when I was sick.

Rule #20: 'But first, let me take a selfie.'

The twins got a habit to take selfies shot at ALL TIMES!

Shooting Range: Sunny, Do I look better in this pose with my sword behind me, or kneeling down with the sword in the ground with both hands on top and looking dramatically into the distance? (Sideswipe)

Their selfie games are strong.

I broke all of their cameras.

xx

I hope you guys like it!


	3. Chapter 3

Hey guys! Here is a special edition of survival guide 101 and this is all about walmart!

I'm not very creative, but I did some research and woahla!

Enjoy!

xx

Chapter three: Walmart edition

We are all banned from walmart because, some of US don't know how to cooperate and behave like a human and act like one or much less; be one.

Rule #21: Sideswipe

Sideswipe took 35 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

Rule #22: Chromia

Chromia set up all the alarm clocks in the housewares to go off at 5 minutes intervals. I could still hear the alarm buzzing in my ears.

Rule #23: Crosshair

No. It is not 'follow the yellow brick road' or anything related to Wizard of the Oz!

Crosshair made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.

According to him, he was helping the elderly to find the bathroom.

Ratchet thought that somebody was dragging a body.

My lovely daughter started to lick the floor. -_-

Rule #24: Bumblebee

Bumblebee thought it would be funny to hack into their system and quickly scan at their store emergency code. He walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,  
"Code 6 in kitchen dairy products!" and watched her what happened.

We never seen an employee run so fast and speaking on her walkie-talkie.

Bumblebee got kicked out at that same instant.

Rule #25: Skylar

Skylar went up to the service desk and asked to put a bag of M&amp;M on lay-away because mommy and daddy couldn't afford it now until christmas.

The employee felt bad for her and just gave it to her for free.

My child, oh my lovely child.

WE ARE NOT POOR YOU INSOLENCE BRAT!

She learned from the best though. ^_^

Rule #26: Sunstreaker

Sunstreaker moved a 'Caution: Wet Floor' sign to the carpeted area.

I was surprised of the amount of people actually taking that sign to the extreme. The amount of stupidity is too damn high!

Rule #27: Hound

Hound set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invited them in if they'd bring pillows from the bedding department.

Again, the amount of stupidity was high. People thought that he was an employee showing a demonstration.

Do you not see that he is not wearing the store uniform!

Rule #28: Me

I had a long day, and it was one of those days that people wouldn't just shut up. A clerk came and asked if I needed help, I literally threw myself down on the floor and began to cry and wailed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone for one god damn minute?" Optimus quickly picked me up and embarrassingly apologized for my behavior.

The clerk backed away slowly as I quietly growled and threatened to choke her with her scarf and made it look like it was an accident.

Rule #29: Skylar

Skylar looked right into the camera and used it as a mirror and picked her nose.

Optimus:"Primus, Adelaide control your child."

Me: "-_-"

Rule #30: Ironhide

The weapon specialist was handling guns in the hunting department and asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

I had to say, I never thought that Ironhide had it in him, meaning by being darkly humorous. The clerk slowly took the gun away from 'Hides grasp and told him that his break is about to start.

Rule #31:Mudflap and Skids

Mudflaps and Skids have this thought that they are ninjas. They darted around the store, looking around suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

I left them there when I was done grocery shopping and took the bus and walked thirty minutes to get home.

What? I don't know them. *shrugs and looks at my nails carelessly.*

Rule #32:Arcee

Arcee was in the auto department, and practice her "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

Rule #33: Skylar

Skylar disappears on me every time we go to the store. It took me two freaking hours to find her and realized that she hid in the a clothing rack and when people browsed through, she yelled "PICK ME! P-PICK ME!" People would quickly dropped the said clothes and quickly run away.

Again, she is not my child.

Rule #34:Dutch

Dutch went nuts but only because Simmons paid him to do so. When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed, "No! NO! INDIA! ITS HER VOICE AGAIN!"

Dutch, for the last time, you do not have a girlfriend!

Rule #35: Brains

He went to the fitting room, shut the door and waited a while. Then yelled very loudly, "Hey! somebody! I need some toilet paper in here!"

Me: Shut up Brains, you don't shit.

Me: Much less, you don't need TP.

ME:…use your hands…

xx

I hope you liked it, please read and review!


	4. Chapter 4

HEY GUYS! I AM BAAACKKKKKK!

SO, I GOT A LOT OF THINGS TO ANNOUNCE!

First and foremost, there will be some changes in this story. Adelaide was taken out because I am probably thinking to delete the story "Adelaide" idk…what do you guys think? So, I think it's easier if I just replace her name with your name! (the readers name, so yah…you!) Like an imagine! How will it work? Ok, I'm pretty sure that not all but most people have written, seen, or post an imagine that has these symbol: y/n. and what the Y and N stands for is your name. In this case, when I am writing the rules and a character says your name it will be like this for example:

Optimus Prime: Where is y/n? (your name)

I hope I'm making sense here. But, I will place key words to guide you! So yeah, just imagine!

Secondly, I am planning to write and Avenger story based on Steve/OC and Tony/OC but idk…let's see how that go when I publish my first chapter.

Thirdly, my spring break starts next week (well it already started for me yesterday since I only go to class on Mondays and Wednesday's..) I will (or might) be posting more often but keep in mind I also work every day (besides sunday).

And lastly…lastly? There's not lastly because I know there's more but I forgot what I was going to say! It happens a lot to me, I think of something and then I forget! lol

Keywords:

y/n: your name

y/n/l: your full name and last name

y/a: your age

y/h: your height

y/h/c: your hair color

y/e/c: the color of your beautiful lovely eyes :3

ENJOY!

xx

Rule #35: First thing first.

This goes back to rule number 12!

remember the saying "I'm so fancy" is banned?

Okay, well now it is forbidden to start your sentence saying "first things first, I'm the realest!"

The Corvette twins really needs to stop quoting music!

Sideswipe: Guys! I've got an announcement to make!

*Almost everyone stops what they are doing and give their attention to Sides*

Sideswipe: Okay, first things first, I am the realest.

Me: *Gets up and leaves*

Rule #36: ALL 'BOTS MUST WATCH WHERE THEY ARE STEPPING!

There are small humans living in base and according to Ironhide, we look like ants from his point of view.

I believe him because he is tall like most mechs, and I've sat on his shoulder before!

Not just adults lives in base, but there happens to be two babies that are starting to crawl around.

Especially Shane and Tessa little monster, er…I mean baby boy.

\- Both young parents were going berserk about where their baby boy was. Shane was suppose watch him while Tessa was in school. Their son must've crawled away and the Autobots were told to stop moving so they won't squash him by accident.

The smaller 'bots and few human friends including me helped to look for the baby.

I saw that little sucker crawling towards the mighty leader.

Optimus wasn't looking since he was looking at his pad.

Me: Optimus! Stop walking!

I had to run towards the baby before he gets squashed. We were just inches! Inches away from being squashed!

I literally had to jump on top of the baby and roll to my sides, away from Primes big feet.

The baby was face up. Laughing.

Optimus: I did not see Little foot! (That's what we call Tessa's and Shane's son since he's the youngest)

Me: You almost squashed us…you were going to burry two human sized pancakes…

Rule #37: No 'yo mama's jokes'.

It's only banned if you are around Ratchet.

he takes every joke seriously.

Leo: Yo mama's glasses so thick that she can see past the horizon line of a black hole!

Ratchet: *spitz energon* That is not possible! Bring your birth mother to med bay, y/n! right now!

Me: Leo was joking, Ratch. Chill.

Ratchet: Leo, is y/n mother overweight? Can she really see past the horizon line of a black hole? She need's medical help. I'm sending help. Y/n where's your mother?

Me: She's not fat and she doesn't use glasses! It's a joke!

Rule #38: Do not tell any cybertronian to 'chill'.

-Lennox asked his guardian to hang out with him.

Lennox: Let's go chill for a bit before we go on a patrol.

Ironhide: I do not need to chill. My body heat wave is well adjusted to its proper temperature. If you need to chill to cool down your body heat, I recommend to go see Ratchet for an examination.

Lennox: Chill means to hang out, big guy.

Rule #39: Bae.

Me: *Stares at your autobot crush with full admiration and sigh* -your autobot crush- is bae….

Ratchet: *as always, overhears your conversation* How is -insert your Autobot crush name- a feces?

Me: *gives a confused look* what are you talking about?

Ratchet: I did a quick research on the world wide web to look for the meaning bae,and according to buzzfeed, bae means feces.

Me: *long sighs* Ratchet, look up the urban dictionary. Bae stands for "before anything else"

Ratchet: Not according to buzzfeed. Buzzfeed never lies!

Rule #40: HASH EFFIN TAGS!

-Admit it, you have used hashtags before because I know I have. But I only use at least 1-2 hashtags.

there's limits in using hashtags!

Some people AND 'bots don't understand that!

ESPECIALLY SIDESWIPE!

He posted a selfie with the following hashtags: #yolo #selfie #livelife #thecutetwin #nopainnogain #justdoit #betterlookingthanmybrother #butdonttellhim #singleandreadytopringle #wantapieceofthis #flexing #butthisisanoflexzone #handsome #goodlooks #nofilter

I left a comment under his picture saying: #you #are #ridiculous #with #your #annoying #and #unnecessary #use #of #hashtags

-He unfollowed me and blocked me.

I have no regrets!

xxx

I'm not sure how I feel about this chapter…I feel like it's not funny…but eh, it'll get better!

Question: have you guys ever heard of Autobot Evac?

PLEASE READ AND REVIEW!

BYYEEE!


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